Knowl~EDGE!

The beginning of knowlege is the discovery of something we don't know - Frank Herbert

Have you, at any point of time, felt a chilling experience of becoming aware that you are seriously lacking knowledge of things that you should be on familar terms with? An unexpected realisation that you are incompetent and untaught to shoulder the role that you are supposed to be in? The lack of experience that makes you unprepared to face what lies ahead of you?

It's like fighting a war without arming yourself with any arsenal. You feel a deep unsettling sense of being belittled by a huge goliath that is about to trudge on top of your head. You are left feeling helpless and the only thing you do is to blame your lack of know-how to overcome the situation. Knowledge, as they said, is to be accquired. The lack of knowledge is what separates a successful man from others.

After attending the training here at LGS, I have to admit that it is a wake up call for me. I am slapped with the cold harsh reality that my knowledge in anything is jus inadequate to even consider myself as a qualified Engineer! ((Thuuu!)) There are many issues and topics discussed during the training that I'm not even aware of until now. True that my career has jus begun and I have absolutely nothing to hold onto in SAP (plz read esSeyPee). But to make things worse, the participant who is sitting next to me has a one n half yr ABAP knowledge behind his back. The fact that he is earning so less than what I am, after all that he knows made me feel that I don't deserve to be sitting where I am.

Yes, I am facing the horrible truth here. Despite being lucky to get a job in my hometown, I feel I'm only chosen because of that big TAG that hangs on my resume. But luck has only managed to get me to as far as where I am now. The short cut route that I have taken in my career path has started to rear its ugly head at me as the clear lack of experience is making me feel doubtful whether I am worthy of as a Software Engineer.

Perhaps I am putting an unbelivably high expectation on myself. I want to be on par with the other participant with his equal share of knowledge. I guess I hate to think that I am left behind in the rat race. However, with each passing day, I am beginning to wonder whether I am in the right career and moving in right momentum. This question is posing a big obstacle for me to climb over for now. And I have yet to do so. The way I tend to digress from work is also another tell tale sign that I seriously need to evaluate where I am going from here. Sometimes I tend to wonder how a person can work in the same job, in the same company for donkey years.

Oh well, on the brighter note I guess I should appreciate what I have in my life at the moment. At least I got a career going, a car to whiz me around and a house in case I need to move out. That's not too bad for a person of my age. Still, there is a niggling feeling that I should buck up and do something with my career at the moment. How I wish I could have a crystal ball to see what lies ahead in my life. Sigh... That's not helping much but at least I do feel better knowing where my destiny lies tomorrow.

The EDGE

My First Love

Can't believe its already six years of our relationship. We've had the best of times together. Right from the first day when both of us drenched in the rain and went late to college (aaahhh ... those were the dayz!) to last night when I bid goodnight and winked... nothing changed at all... I'm still so much in love! During intermediate there was a lot of uncertainity and a fear of getting caught. We went out very rarely then... I mean... where else could we go... except for that one n only Narayana Junior College and the bakery beside it! Needless to mention the 2 years of Intermediate in Andhra Pradesh is probably the worst period (read: best period for studies) in the student's life! No wonder we didn't find time for each other!

Then when the results were out I was perplexed.... a bit flustered... didn't know if it was my happy moment or sad one. Happy - because I made it to BITS Pilani - a premier institute n that means parting from all dear ones n thus - sad! All our dreams to hit the city roads while enjoying the 4 years of college life at Hyderabad came crashing down. All because I wanted a BRIGHT career. Its always been ME... everything between us is for me. So deep is the understanding between us. We spent quality time with each other whenever I came home for short spells. We went everywhere... shopping, movies, restaurants... there is probably no place in Hyd where both of us did not go together!

Coming to recent events... after I came back to Hyd last December..... my happiness knew no bounds. At last I'm back once and for all. But again the damn PS. Wipro timings were sooo damn hectic and again we had to compromise... but yes...we surely saw each other atleast once everyday! Pokiri was the last movie we went together lately and it rained heavily when we were returning. It was a lovely experience. We didn't stop... we were going at around 60 kmph even in that rain! it was wowwwwwwwwww... n the other day... (shux... how cud I forget this one!) the traffic police caught us. He was about to blast us about not wearing helmet. I acted just in time n told tht guy about a hypothetical interview at Intelligroup n that we were getting late n all that crap n thatz when he let us go! thank gawd!

Hmmmm... I heard many people say that first love hurts more than healing but for me it has been a totally different feeling. I always made sure that both of us went out whenever I had mood swings or whenever I felt gussed or angry with someone. It brings me such relief and peace of mind! Itz always been the same ecstatic, delightful n jolly ride! Love u loads n loads for being there! Tvs Scooty ~ My first love!

Goal! ;)

LyRiCs...

Here goes... some of THE lines which make me love the song...

• Frozen inside without your touch Without your love, darling...
  Only you are the life among the dead .....................

Bid my blood to run... before I come undone...
save me from the nothing I've become...

• From the subway to my home
  endless ringing of my phone
  when u're feelin all alone...
  All u gotta do is jus call me... call me...

• I hear your voice on the line... but it doesn't stop the pain...
  If I see you next to never... how can we say together...
  Wherever u go... whatever u do... I will be right here waiting for u...
  whatever it takes or how my heart breaks... I will be right here waiting for u...

• Standin' on ur mama's porch.. You told me it would last forever...
  Oh the way you held my hand... I knew that it was now or never
  Those were the best days of my life

Now these you'd not find anywhere on the internet I guess!

• u went forward using all ma frenz...
  I saw the world crashing all around ur face...
  never really knew when it was always getting there...
  i'll stop the world and melt with u...

• You are my strength when I am weak... You are the treasure that I seek...
  You are my all in all
  Seeking you as a precious jewel...Giving u up I'd be a fool...
  You are my all in all

• I want u more than gold n silver... onli u can satisfy
  I want u more than any other so much more than anything...

• won't u dance with me honey... won't u b my guy...
  we'll both live together side by side...

more to come... to be continued.........

~Rhapsody~

Bliss!

I've been in a happy mood lately. This statement is probably a rarity in my blog as I have been writing a lot about my sorrow and grief in the past. While it has never been my intention to do so, these were the emotions that are reflected upon on my writings... like you gyz have read here. I was in the rut for a period that is probably too far to remember now. The darker side of my emotions had 'swallowed' me into oblivion and I can't exactly call it 'depression' but it was something close. I tend to gloom over my past and view things negatively. But after a prolonged period of indulging myself in a pathetic and miserable state...((that too unnecessarily)), I started to realise that I was wasting my time away by being down. I mean, why must I drown myself in the sea of sadness? I should live my life to the fullest and be happy. This is where the turning point begins. I started to come to terms with my life. I began to accept the things that had happened to me and try not to put too much blame on myself.... now com'on.... nothing was so tragic afterall.

Come to think about it, it is really peculiar how we always tend to take an unnecessarily longer route to find a solution to our problem. We tend to beat around the bushes or drive around a HUGE roundabout over and over again without any proper direction to head towards. And all of a sudden, you start to realise that everything is wrong. I woke up one morning and asked myself "What have I been doing?" I started to realise that I have two choices when I open my eyes to face the day. Either I want to be happy or sad. It was truly a simple revelation; one that has taken me a long time to realise... that being happy is actually a choice; YOUR choice. Why let our emotions govern our life?!? Instead, it sounds lot better for us to control our emotions so that we can take control of our lives.

I guess one of the important lesson in life is not to put too high expectation on anything. That way, we get to avoid any disapppointments that might set in later. As humans our desires are practically unlimited. We tend to wish for a better career, an ideal lover, a luxury car and a bigger house. We also want a perfect life, a happy family, financial freedom etc. When we fail to achieve those, we become discontented which in turn leads to frustration and ultimately disappointment. May be we feel useless, insignificant and worthless.

Appreciating what we have and making the best out of life is the moral. Life is more than chasing material objects. Life is about finding your true happiness. And I think I have found true happiness in a simple package... It is called 'Rhapsody'... a blissful state! Thanks to Andaman trip... I had a gud n well deserved break. Yessss.... I won... I broke the monotony :D

Pahh...I feel like myself now :)

Melancholy

Bring me jOy

I wished I could forget everything. Yet, my mind continues to jog the memory with the things that I don't wish to remember. At the moment, I tend to wake up every morning feeling emotionally heavy. There is a tremendous sense of reluctantcy to face the world. It feels as if I am not ready to see anyone, what more, to brave the day in front of me. Call me a cynical person if you may, but nobody could really understand how I am feeling inside me. I have to force myself to smile, to be normal, to pretend as if nothing has ever happened. But that takes a great deal of guts to do so. And once I am up, it takes an even greater load of effort to strive through the entire day, to battle the constant emotional turmoil inside me while trying to pull off a grin from my face. There were many times that I wished I could just cling on to miracle to pull me through. But at other times, I feel like letting go and giving up on everything I hold aspiration to.

Life is full of ups and downs. Mine however, has been more downs than ups lately. Today is no exception. I woke up feeling terribly tired. No, I didn't do hundred rounds of push-ups nor did I run twenty miles on the treadmill last night but somehow, I just feel tired... emotionally. I asked myself, is it normal to feel this way? Is there something wrong with me? What exactly is the emotional baggage that has burdened me of late? So many questions, yet I can't seem to find an answer.

Still, not all is lost. There are several reasons behind my current emotional state. While they may OR may not be the actual cause, there are neverthless contributory factors that lead me into such emotional yo-yo. But I am afraid nothing can be done to alleviate this problem. Period. I am aware that I am starting to stray. When you lost faith in the things you believe in, you start to lose it all. My bearings in life is upset by the lack of directions which faith is supposed to point me to. I have been fighting all my life; for the things I wanted and for the cause I accept as the truth. But when you start to see things crumbling before your eyes, that is where the downfall starts. You begin questioning your own judgement. You ask if your call was made justifiably. You start to question the rationality in your decision making. And at the end of the day accepting the ugly truth is like swallowing a sword in your throat. It hurts like hell. But the problem is there and it is real.

And may be I did make some wrong decisions. The sheer responsibility in shouldering these mistakes are at times overwhelming. That is why the road that I have walked on lately has been a crippled path. Emotionally, I am depressed over issues of the pasts. Some are due to my actions, while others are unexpected outcomes from my wrongdoings. Life is no longer about blooming flowers and bright sunny days. Moments of happiness are far in between. People are expecting great things from me. But how can I live up to their expectations when I can't even live up to my own expectations? Situation like this makes it even harder for me to conclude this post. Random thoughts and words are coming into my mind yet I can't pinpoint exactly how I should express it out. It took me a while to finish typing this. The reason is because I had to spend more time reflecting on my thoughts and coming up with the words I want to say. I guess like my life, I had yet to come to a conclusion on how I should end the post here. Well, who said that everything should have a conclusion?

Soulmate!??

~Lost in you~

We all yearn for a relationship where our partner feels what we feel, wants what we want and loves us unconditionally... where we never have to fear being rejected, deserted or betrayed. Can this ever really be? Well, there are few lucky couples who have found each other and are living “happily ever after” n they are o'course "soulmates"!

So... does this soulmate tie come from sharing of many past lives together? It is said that soulmates make a pact to reincarnate at the same time so they can experience and learn life’s lessons together. What is it... a very strong love bond between the two souls?? However, there can be the opposite--a very strong hate bond. Then the two individuals can be coming together so their souls can work through the hate and turn it into love. **giggles** May be one can be in a soulmate relationship without knowing it. Like living past-life karma, dramas from past lives together that are blocking the souls’ true love for each other.... heheeheee... sounds very mystic!

How do you know if you are with your soulmate now, or if you have met, or know your soulmate already? What happens when they first meet... are they irresistibly drawn to each other?? Will one o'them have a very strong sense that they knew the other from before?? A feeling of déjà vu?? Or perhaps everything about this person just seems so familiar, but you don’t know why!??

A very close friend of mine once told me about her views on this.... and this is what she told me... "Within a very short time of meeting, you find a strong kinship, a powerful empathy, and frequently you'll be able to read each other’s thoughts. You may even notice that you think alike, that you process information in the same manner. You may have much in common, perhaps too much for two people who come from different backgrounds" hmmm... so these are the clues and signs.

But how about the bubbleheads like me!?? I won't even know even if the person is standing right next to me! So does that mean that my soulmate is a kewl smart chap who will feel that divine spark and make realization dawn upon me!? heheheee... Go dude!... am not a bad interpreter afterall! So someonez goin to come in front of me and shout their lungs out saying, "It is me! It is me!" till that bulb in the remote corner of my heart/mind glows. Jokes apart... I'm not thaaaaat dumbhead too.... I did feel the spark once... and the ball is now in my court... the dialogue to shout is mine! Let me see how much I can put across!

And one thing people....do consider yourself blessed if you have found your true mate, even if only for a short interlude.

Silence...

Ssssshhhh....

Have you ever experienced a moment in your life when you just ran out of words and you go... s i l e n t ???

Let me assist you in recalling...

.. the moment when you left your home for the first time and you look back at your parents who are worried that their son/daughter are leaving them yet happy that their child took the first step towards independence...

.. the moment when the girl/boy you like the most.. smiled back at you! You don't say anything.. you just smile back...

.. the moment when you get better marks than you expected... those "numb" moments of ecstasy n surprise "is that true?"...

.. the moment when you are parting with your old friend(s) and the train has just started... and you are standing on the door of the wagon.. waving "bye-bye" with your heart beating fast...

.. the moment after the HR manager had just called you up and told, "You are through! Congrats!"

.. the moment when you sit alone in your room after having told everyone that you cleared that exam you prepared for 6 months!!

Well... You can go on remembering your "special" moments!

I had always wondered why I never said anything to myself at those moments.. as if it was "understood"... the happiness, joy, pain.. all those feelings just flowed ceaselessly in the 'years' that passed in those flash moments!

They say.. the best way to communicate is through "silence"... Love. Joy. Grief. Surprise. Anger. Hope. Expectations. Support... everything is conveyed!

Can you imagine the importance of a silent moment in a song??

When Bryan Adams stops for a while along with music, before he goes on in his husky voice...

... Please forgive me. I can't stop loving you!

Have you ever had those moments when you thought you were tired enough that you reach for your bed after dinner.. but find yourself wide awake looking at the roof of your room silently... But you sure are 'thinking'... those moments of self-talk are the most important in our lives. Those moments when we listen to our own hearts! Those promises... those decisions... those are the moments when we make our destinies!

Next time you go silent... listen carefully to what your heart is saying.. listen to its joy...listen to its pain.. listen to its fears.. listen to its desires.. Don't make it shut up and go off to sleep...

LISTEN TO THAT VOICE and ACCEPT EVERYTHING IT SAYS! That voice alone can lead you to the abode of peace that your sleep lacks... peace that awaits you!

Be in touch with your true self... be silent once a day, every day !