Melancholy

Bring me jOy

I wished I could forget everything. Yet, my mind continues to jog the memory with the things that I don't wish to remember. At the moment, I tend to wake up every morning feeling emotionally heavy. There is a tremendous sense of reluctantcy to face the world. It feels as if I am not ready to see anyone, what more, to brave the day in front of me. Call me a cynical person if you may, but nobody could really understand how I am feeling inside me. I have to force myself to smile, to be normal, to pretend as if nothing has ever happened. But that takes a great deal of guts to do so. And once I am up, it takes an even greater load of effort to strive through the entire day, to battle the constant emotional turmoil inside me while trying to pull off a grin from my face. There were many times that I wished I could just cling on to miracle to pull me through. But at other times, I feel like letting go and giving up on everything I hold aspiration to.

Life is full of ups and downs. Mine however, has been more downs than ups lately. Today is no exception. I woke up feeling terribly tired. No, I didn't do hundred rounds of push-ups nor did I run twenty miles on the treadmill last night but somehow, I just feel tired... emotionally. I asked myself, is it normal to feel this way? Is there something wrong with me? What exactly is the emotional baggage that has burdened me of late? So many questions, yet I can't seem to find an answer.

Still, not all is lost. There are several reasons behind my current emotional state. While they may OR may not be the actual cause, there are neverthless contributory factors that lead me into such emotional yo-yo. But I am afraid nothing can be done to alleviate this problem. Period. I am aware that I am starting to stray. When you lost faith in the things you believe in, you start to lose it all. My bearings in life is upset by the lack of directions which faith is supposed to point me to. I have been fighting all my life; for the things I wanted and for the cause I accept as the truth. But when you start to see things crumbling before your eyes, that is where the downfall starts. You begin questioning your own judgement. You ask if your call was made justifiably. You start to question the rationality in your decision making. And at the end of the day accepting the ugly truth is like swallowing a sword in your throat. It hurts like hell. But the problem is there and it is real.

And may be I did make some wrong decisions. The sheer responsibility in shouldering these mistakes are at times overwhelming. That is why the road that I have walked on lately has been a crippled path. Emotionally, I am depressed over issues of the pasts. Some are due to my actions, while others are unexpected outcomes from my wrongdoings. Life is no longer about blooming flowers and bright sunny days. Moments of happiness are far in between. People are expecting great things from me. But how can I live up to their expectations when I can't even live up to my own expectations? Situation like this makes it even harder for me to conclude this post. Random thoughts and words are coming into my mind yet I can't pinpoint exactly how I should express it out. It took me a while to finish typing this. The reason is because I had to spend more time reflecting on my thoughts and coming up with the words I want to say. I guess like my life, I had yet to come to a conclusion on how I should end the post here. Well, who said that everything should have a conclusion?

Soulmate!??

~Lost in you~

We all yearn for a relationship where our partner feels what we feel, wants what we want and loves us unconditionally... where we never have to fear being rejected, deserted or betrayed. Can this ever really be? Well, there are few lucky couples who have found each other and are living “happily ever after” n they are o'course "soulmates"!

So... does this soulmate tie come from sharing of many past lives together? It is said that soulmates make a pact to reincarnate at the same time so they can experience and learn life’s lessons together. What is it... a very strong love bond between the two souls?? However, there can be the opposite--a very strong hate bond. Then the two individuals can be coming together so their souls can work through the hate and turn it into love. **giggles** May be one can be in a soulmate relationship without knowing it. Like living past-life karma, dramas from past lives together that are blocking the souls’ true love for each other.... heheeheee... sounds very mystic!

How do you know if you are with your soulmate now, or if you have met, or know your soulmate already? What happens when they first meet... are they irresistibly drawn to each other?? Will one o'them have a very strong sense that they knew the other from before?? A feeling of déjà vu?? Or perhaps everything about this person just seems so familiar, but you don’t know why!??

A very close friend of mine once told me about her views on this.... and this is what she told me... "Within a very short time of meeting, you find a strong kinship, a powerful empathy, and frequently you'll be able to read each other’s thoughts. You may even notice that you think alike, that you process information in the same manner. You may have much in common, perhaps too much for two people who come from different backgrounds" hmmm... so these are the clues and signs.

But how about the bubbleheads like me!?? I won't even know even if the person is standing right next to me! So does that mean that my soulmate is a kewl smart chap who will feel that divine spark and make realization dawn upon me!? heheheee... Go dude!... am not a bad interpreter afterall! So someonez goin to come in front of me and shout their lungs out saying, "It is me! It is me!" till that bulb in the remote corner of my heart/mind glows. Jokes apart... I'm not thaaaaat dumbhead too.... I did feel the spark once... and the ball is now in my court... the dialogue to shout is mine! Let me see how much I can put across!

And one thing people....do consider yourself blessed if you have found your true mate, even if only for a short interlude.

Silence...

Ssssshhhh....

Have you ever experienced a moment in your life when you just ran out of words and you go... s i l e n t ???

Let me assist you in recalling...

.. the moment when you left your home for the first time and you look back at your parents who are worried that their son/daughter are leaving them yet happy that their child took the first step towards independence...

.. the moment when the girl/boy you like the most.. smiled back at you! You don't say anything.. you just smile back...

.. the moment when you get better marks than you expected... those "numb" moments of ecstasy n surprise "is that true?"...

.. the moment when you are parting with your old friend(s) and the train has just started... and you are standing on the door of the wagon.. waving "bye-bye" with your heart beating fast...

.. the moment after the HR manager had just called you up and told, "You are through! Congrats!"

.. the moment when you sit alone in your room after having told everyone that you cleared that exam you prepared for 6 months!!

Well... You can go on remembering your "special" moments!

I had always wondered why I never said anything to myself at those moments.. as if it was "understood"... the happiness, joy, pain.. all those feelings just flowed ceaselessly in the 'years' that passed in those flash moments!

They say.. the best way to communicate is through "silence"... Love. Joy. Grief. Surprise. Anger. Hope. Expectations. Support... everything is conveyed!

Can you imagine the importance of a silent moment in a song??

When Bryan Adams stops for a while along with music, before he goes on in his husky voice...

... Please forgive me. I can't stop loving you!

Have you ever had those moments when you thought you were tired enough that you reach for your bed after dinner.. but find yourself wide awake looking at the roof of your room silently... But you sure are 'thinking'... those moments of self-talk are the most important in our lives. Those moments when we listen to our own hearts! Those promises... those decisions... those are the moments when we make our destinies!

Next time you go silent... listen carefully to what your heart is saying.. listen to its joy...listen to its pain.. listen to its fears.. listen to its desires.. Don't make it shut up and go off to sleep...

LISTEN TO THAT VOICE and ACCEPT EVERYTHING IT SAYS! That voice alone can lead you to the abode of peace that your sleep lacks... peace that awaits you!

Be in touch with your true self... be silent once a day, every day !

Spice up your LIFESTYLE

Class apart! ~spice it up!

Do you sometimes get the feeling that life is slipping away from you? It's probably a case of the "same-old, same-old" every day, wearing you down. If you feel as if you're on a treadmill, then I guess it's time to step off. It's time to get back that sense of wonder and energy for each new day. Who would stop you to look at your own routine, and choose one little thing to do differently each day to break out of this cycle!?

Routine is a silent killer. It’s a killer of interest in life, an energy sapper but, most of all, it keeps you from pursuing your dreams. When you do the same thing, day in, day out, on automatic pilot, from the exact time you wake up in the morning, to watching the same television show before you go to bed at night, your mind and desires literally shut down. After all, you’re not using them, and you can get by without them, right? But I know that, deep down, you want to do more than just "get by,"...and all you need to do is "get ahead!".

There's some corner of your mind where you've stashed those old dreams and aspirations. They're still there, waiting for you to dust them off and bring them to the light of day. What you need to do is break free of that deadly routine, reactivate your mind, and you'll rediscover the joy of life. You'll find the energy to once again pursue your dreams. As the American philosopher Amos Bronson Alcott said, "The less routine, the more life."

So, get the monotony out of your life for sometime...if you always get up at a certain time in the morning, try setting the alarm clock a little earlier, or a little later. Choose a different route to go to work. Try something different for a meal. Talk to a stranger. Take up an activity you used to enjoy doing, but somehow dropped along the way. You get the idea. It's these little breaks in routine that will help your mind shift, your perspective change, and start you back on the road to pursuing your dreams.

Time to spice up your Lifestyle! ;)

Maa maaa meeeeeya

Yeah... this is RAMEEEEeeeeeya!!

So sweet!

Dreamzzzz...

I remember most of my dreams and to decide whether it is a boon or a curse...I resort to this bolg-o-mania..as smone calls it!

Way back,...in 2000, I had a dream. The one I can never ever forget. Itz most imprtant feature is that...it was a serial dream :D. Please don't be puzzled at this...but I had this dream for 3 months like a daily serial on the television. When I told this to my friends and parents...nobody believed me...they said it was not possible and it was my illusion and there can be nothing like a serial dream. I tried convincing all o'them but in vain.

I did not want to convince anyone anymore b'coz I'm the creator...the spectator...so I thought let me be the one who will applaud it too! I made it a habit to note down all that I remembered of that serial dream of mine.

And after those 3 months...I never had that dream again....but I had so many other amazing dreams. Today after 5 years, I found that dairy where I noted down my most memorable serial dream. The best way to make it all the more memorable is to BLOG IT!

Well...I'm not that confident about my language and itz usage and all that stuff...so...I'm not going to practice my GRE prep here...itz going to be in plain and very very simple terms. Do check out my blog NIMINOSA to find my roller coaster experiences through my 3 month dream! :)

Should I !!??

cOnFuJeD!

It often happens that most of the things that we particularly plan for, go wrong at the wrong time in a wrong situation, isn't it!? This may be one of those Murphy's laws which state about how best things can go wrong with some situation. Well anywayz,... things never change and people never stop planning meticulously for their comfortable and luxurious life ahead, do they!?
So here I am -one of those commoners, who ensure their future happiness with today's planning!

I don't want to take wrong decisions in life, for which I may regret later. I bet nobody would want to do that, but still... this kinda caution is necessary for one's own benefit! When you are standing in a foggy junction with countless roads ahead of you, you can't close your eyes and walk into any road jus' like that. You surely need to wipe the fog off ur lens and see beyond to find the best of all! What do you say when you see each of these lanes!?... "Should I !!??"

Isn't it sane enough to place yourself in each of those situations where you probably want to see yourself 5 years from now? Well, I think it surely is. The various roads in front of me at the moment are...

1) Go for MBA at the prestigeous IIMs by attempting the CAT to be conducted this November

2) Go for MS in the USA by taking GRE and TOEFL and later apping for the universities there

3) Go for Job by attending the campus recruitments at BITS Pilani

4) Go for MBA at AIT, Thailand

5) Go for EO in the Indian Air Force

6) Marry and sit at home!

Needless to mention, this is the order of my preferences. The last option could please be considered as non-existent! thatz abt it....what should I do....

SHOULD I ...1 2 3... 6 !!??