Bring me jOy
I wished I could forget everything. Yet, my mind continues to jog the memory with the things that I don't wish to remember. At the moment, I tend to wake up every morning feeling emotionally heavy. There is a tremendous sense of reluctantcy to face the world. It feels as if I am not ready to see anyone, what more, to brave the day in front of me. Call me a cynical person if you may, but nobody could really understand how I am feeling inside me. I have to force myself to smile, to be normal, to pretend as if nothing has ever happened. But that takes a great deal of guts to do so. And once I am up, it takes an even greater load of effort to strive through the entire day, to battle the constant emotional turmoil inside me while trying to pull off a grin from my face. There were many times that I wished I could just cling on to miracle to pull me through. But at other times, I feel like letting go and giving up on everything I hold aspiration to.
Life is full of ups and downs. Mine however, has been more downs than ups lately. Today is no exception. I woke up feeling terribly tired. No, I didn't do hundred rounds of push-ups nor did I run twenty miles on the treadmill last night but somehow, I just feel tired... emotionally. I asked myself, is it normal to feel this way? Is there something wrong with me? What exactly is the emotional baggage that has burdened me of late? So many questions, yet I can't seem to find an answer.
Still, not all is lost. There are several reasons behind my current emotional state. While they may OR may not be the actual cause, there are neverthless contributory factors that lead me into such emotional yo-yo. But I am afraid nothing can be done to alleviate this problem. Period. I am aware that I am starting to stray. When you lost faith in the things you believe in, you start to lose it all. My bearings in life is upset by the lack of directions which faith is supposed to point me to. I have been fighting all my life; for the things I wanted and for the cause I accept as the truth. But when you start to see things crumbling before your eyes, that is where the downfall starts. You begin questioning your own judgement. You ask if your call was made justifiably. You start to question the rationality in your decision making. And at the end of the day accepting the ugly truth is like swallowing a sword in your throat. It hurts like hell. But the problem is there and it is real.
And may be I did make some wrong decisions. The sheer responsibility in shouldering these mistakes are at times overwhelming. That is why the road that I have walked on lately has been a crippled path. Emotionally, I am depressed over issues of the pasts. Some are due to my actions, while others are unexpected outcomes from my wrongdoings. Life is no longer about blooming flowers and bright sunny days. Moments of happiness are far in between. People are expecting great things from me. But how can I live up to their expectations when I can't even live up to my own expectations? Situation like this makes it even harder for me to conclude this post. Random thoughts and words are coming into my mind yet I can't pinpoint exactly how I should express it out. It took me a while to finish typing this. The reason is because I had to spend more time reflecting on my thoughts and coming up with the words I want to say. I guess like my life, I had yet to come to a conclusion on how I should end the post here. Well, who said that everything should have a conclusion?
